Friday, May 25, 2007

Must

As I sit everything about me idles. My brain and my body reside. Inertia, the definition is me.

This state in which I exist forces me to write something. Anything. I must write because I have not written on the novel or a real blog entry since Friday of last week. Nothing has required my brain to piece together my random thoughts into coherency.

Locked in my brain are many stories. One involves the three times that someone called me the life of the party. In the moments, I did not have these thoughts, but now I am proud of myself. I must have learned something from my father who had an innate ability to mingle amongst others. Yet, to write of those instances would be too narcissistic. Or is just the act of having a blog releasing our inner narcissist?

If I don't write my thoughts about what I learned from my father I might lose them. Some new father needs to know that he needs to be the one person to give his daughter the most thoughtful gifts. A dad sets the tone for a daughter's search for a man. My father set the mark high by his actions.

Lurking behind these happy thoughts are dark ones. An anger that I do not allow myself to tap. Mentally I have convinced myself that this anger has no benefits for me. Yet . . .

No. I have revealed much about my psyche here. Even more is revealed in my writing of the novel. No. No dark, angry thoughts. They shall remain in the shadows.

3 comments:

wolfbaby said...

Im not sure if Im reading this right.. but if I am here goes.

21 years after my mom died I still feel that dark rage. undirected it just sits there. Rage at how she died, when she died all of it. Rage that she can't be here for me today with my kids... *shrug*

but what can you do. It's your blog. write what you feel. Write what you want. If you want to write about your dad in anyway then by all means write it express it. Be joyfull in your pride of all of his accomplisments. narsicist? no i don't think so but thats just me.

hugs

Sarabeth said...

Yes, you are reading it right. Someone shared with me an experience she had about letting out her anger. Her therapist thought it was good that she had finally released the mean thoughts, the anger that the person hadn't done what was necessary to enjoy the children.

I've discovered that, if I have anger, I cannot let those feelings loose. Should my father have been proactive about possible heart disease based on how his father died? Yes. What good will it do me to be angry at him for not doing that?

I understand that many people have the rage you shared. Mostly, I yearn to have him with us.

wolfbaby said...

There is guilt tied in with that anger I feel. Alot of guilt that I even feel angry. It wasn't her fault she got breast cancer. It wasn't her fault she died. I know this. I guess I don't have anger at her specifically, though sometimes yes, anger that she left me. But I really know... she didn't want to. So hence the guilt. It's a tricky thing figuring what the anger really is directed at. We know it's not them realistically but it is there so who should it be directed at. I have learned it dosn't have to be anyone. that is just anger at fate. This helps with the guilt I used to feel, Accepting that it wasn't her but fate, for being angry. I always feel that loss, that missing space in my heart. the ache to be held in her arms and to have her tell me it will be ok. To hear her call me her baby again. I don't think that ever completly goes away. urr sorry that was so long.