Thursday, September 21, 2006

That spark

In an attempt to push the sadness from my mind this morning I began searching my head for other memories that bring happy feelings. I still feel a tightenening of my chest when I think of my father. That experience is disturbing and unwanted. I constantly search for a memory that will bring a different physical sensation.

This morning I found one. I remembered my first real boyfriend. I'll call him RC. I was interested in him, but I didn't know him. I knew one of his closest friends. In order to get closer to RC I spent time with his close friend. It worked. In a short time my scheme worked. I was dating RC and, unfortunately, had made an enemy of his close friend. Women learn to scheme at an early age. I was just 16.

There are many memories of RC that make me feel that little spark of affection. One is from a date. We went to see a Wes Craven film. Very early on there was a rat that made me jump. RC grabbed my hand and didn't let go. His protectiveness thrilled me. That movie was gory enought that I had plenty of opportunities to hide my eyes using his shoulder. That night we continued the theme and went to a haunted house that had been set up for Halloween.

Another happy memory concerns football. RC was a backup quarterback for the varsity team. At an away game our team was winning enough that RC got the call to take over the offense. Two plays into the drive, RC threw a 64 yard touchdown pass. I was on the sideline taking pictures for the yearbook. After shooting the picture of the reciever catching the pass I began cheering. When RC was done holding the PAT he ran straight to me. The dirt and sweat from his uniform smeared on my yellow shirt as he picked me up in a bear hug.

Our relationship ended after about four months. He was persuaded to leave one of my basketball games early by his friend and brother. RC was my ride home. I was so angry that I broke off the relationship at lunch the next Monday. I could have given him another chance, but that wasn't my style.

Later that school year, RC and I were talking in the gym after school. One of my basketball teammates came up to us gushing at how we should get back together. RC and I stared at each other questioning each other silently. I felt that spark for a moment. I ignored it. "No," I answered first. I saw his shoulders slump.

Maybe I should have said yes. There is still a part of me that thinks I should have. Again, that wasn't my style. Once I was done with you, I was done. There was no going back.

The only other person who has brought me that spark is the man I married. I saw RC at my father's visitation. We hugged each other. There was no spark. That is reserved for Phill now. That truly makes me smile and warms my heart.

What about you? Who brings that spark for you? Are there many or one?

My mom used to play this song for me. She thought it personified my relationship philosophy. She should know; she taught it to me and supported my decisions. It's a Peter, Paul, and Mary song called For Lovin' Me.

That's what you get for lovin' me
That's what you get lovin' me
Everything you had is gone, as you can see
That's what you get for lovin' me

I ain't the kind to hang around
With any new love that I've found
Movin' is my stock and trade
I'm movin' on
I won't think of you when I'm gone

So don't you shed a tear for me
I ain't the love you thought I'd be
I got a hundred more like you
So don't be blue
I'll have a thousand 'fore I'm through

Now there you go, you're cryin' again
Now there you go, you're cryin' again
But then someday when your poor heart is on the mend,
I just might pass this way again

That's what you get for lovin' me
That's what you get for lovin' me
Everything you had is gone, as you can see
That's what you get for lovin' me


Maverick said...

Those are very good memories and made even better by the fact that RC has remained a good family friend.

A memory that makes me smile - right now I can't think of one that doesn't tug at my heart because of Daddy.

jarhead john said...

This may sound like a typical response, but my wife gives me "that spark." Not all of the time, but occasionally. I'll be on my way home from work, just looking forward to realxing, and I'll literally get excited about seeing her. I'll feel a bit silly, like I did when we were first dating. I'll even sniff my own armpits to see if they stink from work.

Sometimes I'll wake up next to her on a weekend and it will be very early. I'll just want to wake her up so that we can spend a longer day together; it will be a "spark" of excitement. Not sexual (well there is that, but it's different), but just a literal excitement about being with her, maybe just having her share a while alone with me.

There's not "many" for me; just one.

I know; silly. Sorry; just my version of a spark.

Sarabeth said...

JJ--It isn't silly that your wife gives you that spark. It was yesterday that I realized that it was only my husband that gives me that spark now. There really is no other.